Guess what? You’re dating yourself

Relationships are never about other people. They are always about us. 

Consider the people that you like to spend time with. Think about their traits, their values and their behaviour. They’re similar to yours, right? Those people remind you of you. They remind you of what you consider to be the best version of yourself.

When we begin to invest in a relationship with someone else, we do so because we like and celebrate the parts of them that positively remind us of ourselves - the traits that make us proud to be who we are, the parts that mirror our success (whatever our definition of success is). These are the parts we love about ourselves. I would argue that when we are in love, we are not actually in love with that other person, we are in love with the mirror in front of us. We are in love with ourselves.

Let me break down this concept a little further. Have you ever considered what it is that you like in your favourite person? Why do you think that is so? What is it that they do that gives you the most joy? What is the dynamic here? Do you see those traits in you? Most probably that is because those qualities are within you.

However just as every front has a back, our mirrors also reflect our negative traits. Now this is where relationships begin to get challenging. The back of the mirror conceals a number of traits and behaviours that embarrass us, shame us and pain us. Now let’s get back to your favourite person. What is it about them that irritates you? Have they accused you of being guilty for something that you blame them for? Do you resent them for seemingly putting in less effort on the project at hand than you do? Perhaps this is your call for a break from your busy schedule, but you are not comfortable enough to speak your truth. This is transferring - also known as projecting - your own feelings, emotions or motivations onto the other person without realising that your reaction is really more about you than it is about the other person. In a life filled with transference, your girlfriend may remind you of all the irritating things your mother did when you were growing up. In my opinion, love at first sight is usually a projection – especially if it ends in disaster and you could have seen it coming. So until we are ready to deal with our less desired character traits we continue to project those onto our partners. It takes courage to shine a light on that which we have firmly placed away.

Relationships reflect our good, bad and ugly parts. When we are completely ‘head over heels’ about our favourite person, it’s about us. When we cannot stand qualities in the person, so much so that we may even choose to walk away from the relationship, they present traits that we are not ready to deal with and transform.

So as we focus our energy on Valentine’s day, I invite you to get curious about your relationships. 

What does your admiration or frustration for others reveal about you?